note to self i miss you terribly
andrew lee?
andrew lee, shouldn’t let his emotions get the better of him. Emotions can be evil, they will tear everything you want apart. Their words will hurt. Their actions will kill. Emotions are evil. andrew lee, you need need to get a grip of yourself. last night was shit at zouk. all you ever wanted to do was to care, and be there for her. but then you wanted to spend the whole night with her, which she didn’t want to. andrew lee, you’re felt so helpless last night, feeling so unwanted. andrew lee, you’re not to blame to say that love is pain. andrew lee, please be okay. please take care of yourself. andrew lee, i hope clarissa chan loves you and will want to get back together with you. andrew lee, you cannot make her sad anymore. you need to take the pain in, and let it ride pass you, you need to take the pain in, you need to take the pain in and embrace it. pain is weakness leaving the body. i used to believe that and i should still. but there’s just too much pain. andrew lee, you want to know something about yourself? you’re too emotional. andrew lee, you want to know something else? clare has defined what love is, and as much as you want to let go, not feeling sad and everything, you never will. you will always think of her which is what you don’t want to do. she will always be on your mind and forever remain the best decision in your whole life. but you just had to screw it up didn’t you. but it’s okay. life’s like that. andrew lee, i hope your peserverance pays off
one
“At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared, some are coming home, some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one.”
mistakes
so last night,i fucked everything up. just by saying a single thing. which i didn’t mean to hurt you. i was just unhappy with the term ‘just one time thing’, that makes it seem so insignificant, so i said it was degrading. degrading because it makes it seem so insignificant. maybe you shouldn’t have said that. but i was wrong in pushing you. always pushing you. and i feel like shit for doing it all the time. i’m so sorry clarissa. you are the world to me. but when you told me i didn’t care about you and if i loved you i wouldn’t have done that. yes it’s true, if i did think about you and loved you, i shouldn’t have. but i don’t know, i always fuck things up. and i do love you and i do care about you, more than anyone else. it hurts so much to have heard that and to know that this is my fault, that this is my doing and there’s nothing i can do anymore cos i’ve probably changed the way you feel for me now. and it hurts me so much. i’m such an ass. i need to learn now how to let go, give you time and space. but i’m so afraid i’m pushing you to someone else, i’m so afraid i’m gonna lose you and lose you to someone who’s lesser than me but in the end, seems to make you happy. and i’m so selfish but if that happens, it really is goodbye forever. i can’t keep you as a friend, i can’t think about you anymore. i need to find myself and you already have and you still are but i have yet to start. maybe because i had found myself in you. but my brother told me if two people are dependent on one another in a relationship, it will fail. because sooner or later, the other will disappoint. and the other seems to be me right now,i’ve finally realised. i’ve disappointed you. because i have changed and grew dependent on you when only you relied on me and i provided this shelter to you. but i had taken away the roof. i’m really sorry clarissa denise chan liying. i love you more than life. and it hurts. but i need to learn how much time means. and give it to you. i always thought it was stupid. but i never knew how much it could do and take away.
Letting go
It hurts me so much to just let you go. Just like that. This is not how it was supposed to end. And i’ve been growing sadder everyday. I’m only pretending to be okay. I hope you know that. I hope you know that i’m only pretending to move on. I hate myself for loving you so much. So god damn much. I love you clare. I hope you’re fine
